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If blogging be the food of love, read on!
A little about Mystery Girl: I met this girl at a Halloween party, and she asked to be in a picture with “the Werewolf. Because that's just cool.” I know nothing else about her, except what she was wearing, and I'm not sure I even remember what she was supposed to be. I didn't get a name or number, just two pics of this cutie.
Commence Wooing
Who cares what your name is? What's that thing they say? “A rose by any other name would be just as sexy.” I think it was Confucius who said that. Wise man, that Confucius: full of witticisms. I personally think he could have gone onto being one of the leading philosophers of his time, if he weren't so absorbed in his cookie-making business.
Your name could be Gertrude or Agnes, and I'd still call you “Red hot spicy mama!”
My name's Paul, by the way.
Our Dream Date: I had one clue about this mystery girl. She was wearing a pentagram around her neck, meaning she's pagan. But I already used up the bonfire idea on Diana Carvalho, so I'm going to need to do something new.
Knowing nothing about her, I'm going to have to go with the thing all girls like: Bowling! There's no better ice breaker, because either people are impressed with your skills, or are charmed by how much you suck. I really don't know what it's going to be, because I vary from night to night.
Then to show my sensitive side, we'll rent Marley and Me, because nobody can make it through that movie without crying, and if they can, you know they don't have a soul.
Here's another pic of her, by the way:
Anyone know who she is?
I love telling people that I'm content to be single. And it's true. I'm content to stay out late at odd hours of the night without anyone knowing or caring where I am. I also like not having to seek anyone's approval. Most of all, I love making reckless decisions that affect nobody but me. But eventually, I'm going to want to jump into the dating scene again. I saw the first sign last night.
I woke up around 3:00am and saw a silhouetted figure to my right, reclining in my bed. I could see it was a young woman. So I scooted closer to spoon her, whoever she was. As I approached her, I realized she was just a pile of books and my laptop. A king-sized bed is too big for even my tall Dutch body, so one half is used for sleeping and the other half is “my office.”
I hear humans are wired to think squiggles are faces and objects are anthropomorphic. But most people would jump out of their bed if they perceived a stranger next to them. I think my reflexes are a bit off, though. A fire alarm woke me up when I was living in the UMass dorms, and instead of making my way to the door I buried my head under my blanket until my roommate dragged me out of bed. That was very good of him, because I know he hated me.
On the other hand, I'm very easily spooked in other situations. My friends and I once walked into a Victoria's Secret store and all the fumes from their signature scents must have been going to my head, because I swore to my friends that the mannequins were moving in my peripheral vision. One of them pulled me out and got me a cookie and soda from Mrs. Fields to calm me down. Meanwhile, another one of my male friends was helping my girlfriend pick out panties. Now I always make sure the mannequins are still before entering any lingerie store.
I'm either really lonely or really easy-going, and I hope it's the latter. I mean, maybe “I think I'll spoon her” is the right reaction when you see a strange girl in your bed. Anyway, this has given me an idea... Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry!
Today my Valentine is a beautiful Art Historian and I discuss the idea of “Love at First Sight.”
A little about Brooke: Brooke is a fellow alumn from Amherst Regional High School. We did a lot of acting together. She went on to study Art History and Theater at Muhlenberg. Now she's studying Museum Studies at Cooperstown.
Commence Wooing
Baby, I know you'll be working in a museum, but you'd better hide yourself before the general public enters. They'll think you're the main attraction. Well, you are for me, and I plan to take you to my place and unveil you.
Our Dream Date: I would take her to an art museum first (obviously), where I would nod furiously saying “Oh, most certainly” to everything she had to say. Women love a man who can follow Art Theory. Then I would impress her with my made up words at a wine-tasting. “Ah yes, this is a most callipygous wine that coats the tongue like a hermaphroditic rapscallion's long coat, by divine Providence!”
I think people choose not to believe in love at first sight for two reasons: either it adds phony supernatural properties to love, or it cheapens the emotion all together. Love isn't two predestined partners finally finding each other, but it's a strong emotion nonetheless that cannot be reduced to physical attraction.
I do believe in love at first sight. I always have. Of course, this is based on my feeling of what love is. It's just attraction to me. Wanting to be with someone.
I was talking to a friend who is a girl, and she said she can't do that whole... doing stuff with someone she just met because she needs emotional attachment. But what if those who do a one night stand fall just a little bit in love with their partner that night?
“But Paul, that's just lust talking!” you might say.
Think back on your past relationships. Do you remember the moment you “fell in love” with your significant other? Because the closest moment that comes to me is when I said, “Holy shit, who's that girl?”
Sometimes I'm instantly attracted to a girl only to become disinterested after one conversation. You know, I find out she's a raging Republican or that she's more interested in her cell phone than she is in her surroundings. That means I fell out of love with her as quickly as I fell in love with her. If I still love you in a week, you probably have a banging personality or I have bad taste.
It's not just physical features that determines whether I love a girl. I think you can read into a girl's personality by how she carries herself as she walks into a room. Is she relaxed? Is she smiling? I melt for a beautiful smile, because I think it signals to me that the girl is friendly.
Sure it could be a facade, but we fall in love with facades. The facades we choose are our own and have something to do with who we are. I keep several for different situations. Paul the server, Paul the substitute teacher, and Paul at a party are almost completely different people, but they all have something to do with my values. We fall out of love once we realize the facade doesn't deliver.
Maybe the cautious don't fall in love at first sight, but individuals like me who think they can read someone at first glance are more likely to fall in love, and then fall out of love half an hour later when we find that the person is a bore. I guess Elvis was right when he said “Only fools rush in.” Or rather, he said that “Wise men say, 'Only fools rush in.'”
On the other hand, maybe I don't know what love is.
New Valentine's Day recommendation: Romeo & Juliet directed by Fraco Zeffirelli. This is most likely the version you saw in ninth grade English that made all the high school boys jump in their desks and say "Whoa, nipples!"
Romeo & Juliet has sparked some debate as to whether the young couple is really in love or just lusting after each other. This movie makes you believe both.
Today my Valentine is a lovely young woman, without whom karaoke would just not be the same. After that, I discuss the importance of loving oneself.
A little about Jen: Jen can be seen DJing karaoke on Wednesday nights at Snowzee's (the bar formerly known as Seven O's) in Sunderland. She's also a grad student at Springfield College studying Exercise Physiology. She works in a bone lab.
Commence Wooing
Listen Jen, they call me the Candy Man in your domain. That's because I'm looking for some sweets, and I think you got what I need. We can mix it up and make the world taste good. Hell, I think I can best express myself like this:
Our Dream Date: Jennifer is always leading the guests in square dances, especially “Cotton Eye Joe.” She also wanted us to show up to karaoke for a “white trash” night, in which the men wore beaters and trucker hats. Clearly, the date should be like a country ho-down. Luckily, I already have a cowboy-ish belt buckle that features an arrowhead pointing down.
I would somehow acquire a pick up truck and fill the back with bales of hay. I would drive her onto a mountain, we'd play some country western music and sit in the back, watching the stars as we eat beef jerky and drink moonshine.
Quick Correction: Jen has informed me that she is only "country" inside the four walls of Snowzee's, so if anybody can lend me a portable neon beer sign to help "put her in the mood," I would greatly appreciate that.
The one Oscar Wilde quote you are obligated to revisit several times is “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” These are especially good words after a break up.
A break up, when done right, is falling in love with yourself all over again, but for some reason it starts with hating yourself. Maybe even engaging in self-destructive behavior. This is especially true if you've made the mistake of letting the relationship define who you are.
I know I did. I dropped all of my other interests in favor of the relationship. I decided I was no longer an actor and I started watching LOST online instead of watching it on Wednesday nights. I know the latter example doesn't sound too drastic, but it is indicative of my attitude. I should have gone out of my way for a little me-time.
Instead, work would end and I would go straight to see my girlfriend. I'm guessing those hours I was at work was her me-time; she didn't have a job outside of being a grad student. One summer I acted in two Shakespeare plays, and that was too much for her. So I haven't been in a production since, so I've done karaoke contests to replace that.
So, I had two functions in life: go to work, and then be a boyfriend. At one point in my life I was known as a performer, a free spirit, that wild and crazy guy. But no, I was just a lover during that stretch. And a substitute teacher. Maybe a karaoke superstar and an aspiring novelist, too, but I tried to coordinate my writing with her studying.
When she left, I only felt like a used-up lover.
I'm so glad she left me right before October, because that gave me work to do: my Halloween costume. I know that'll strike you Christmas people as weird (Seriously, I divide the world by what types of holidays people like. That's why I don't know what to do with Jahovah's Witnesses.), but Halloween gives me a sense of purpose. I think holidays can have that effect.
Anyway, I had to design the perfect werewolf costume. I hadn't done a “scary” costume since 2000 when I was the Phantom of the Opera. My devotion to Halloween has not yet been matched by any of my girlfriends, but I had one who did an awesome job dressing as the Tooth Fairy. Having this interest that stemmed from no woman helped me find myself again.
Karaoke also helped. I could put on performances that would have made me think “What would [Trudy] think?” I made friends with my brother's coworkers at UMass Transit in the process... I wonder how he feels about it. That group was very instrumental in my recovery. They actually held the big Halloween party I attended.
I would also love to thank my friends, Will, Samson, and Aaron, for helping me find out what it was like to just be one of the guys again, and it's great! Will and Aaron, along with my bro, actually accompanied me to a Halloween ball I won tickets for over the radio.
After a couple of weeks, I realized that I had a lot more life in me. I was happier, but if anything, I was taking life more seriously. I worked hard to make the most of the present, even if that meant goofing off with my friends.
In my cheesy way, I woke up every day of October asking “Who the f- am I?” I was a real “Nowhere Man,” like the Beatles song. But the pieces started falling in place. I quickly learned to make decisions based on what I wanted to do, not what I thought was most pleasing to a partner.
I went back to Oscar Wilde's quote and realized it was true. I might have taken it a bit too seriously, referring to myself as “my boyfriend.” I thought it was so great to wake up next to the person I loved most every morning.
Recently, I had the following epiphany: no woman would ever love me as much as I loved myself. I told someone this, and it made her sad. I tried to explain to her that was a good thing. I wanted to see the world with myself, do everything with myself! Although I grew cynical of relationships after having two long ones in a row, I was still quite the romantic.
I must have been a bore to my past girlfriend, having voluntarily relinquished my personality to be the “ideal lover.” Must have been like dating a wall. In arguments, I acted like one. I didn't have my own side to any fight.
After a couple of weeks into being single, my mind started racing to past arguments I had and I was finally defending myself, though she was not there. I'd fume up in my car until my “ideal lover” had to calm me down saying, “it's okay. You have nothing to do with her, anymore.”
Best thing about being my own lover? I am so not jealous! I let me flirt and dance with women, in fact, I encourage it! How chill is that?
I'm still learning about myself all over again. Should I ever go back to relationships, I'll probably be an even better lover than I was before. I'll know who I am, and I can bring myself to the table. Because love is a partnership, not a hive mind.
Here we are, four months after the break up. It'll be the first time I'm single on Valentine's Day since 2004, and for some reason, I'm not bitter. I feel that this holiday is for me, too, which is why I'm writing these series.
If you're looking for a romantic movie suggestion, may I suggest Music & Lyrics? It stars Hugh Grant as a washed up pop star and Drew Barrymore as a quirky lyricist. It's the perfect romantic comedy because you don't end up hating either of the lovers at the end.
In today's entry, I woo another cast member from Disney's Beauty & the Beast, and then I indulge in a little kissing and telling.
A little about Adrienne: Adrienne is a Theater major at UMass, Amherst. In the ever so famous on this blog production of Beauty & the Beast, she played Babette, the anthropomorphic feather duster, who is pretty much the sexiest part in the show after Gaston. Recently, she was in a very recently written play called Milosevic at the Hague, which toured Serbia. So yeah, she's been places.
Commence Wooing
So the audience came to see Beauty and the Beast thinking it was about the characters Nichole and Josh played, but we both know that the title was referring to your beauty inciting bestial passions within me.
All the world's a stage, but as far as I'm concerned, you're the one standing in the spotlight, even when you're in the wings. You sweep me off my feet, you sexy anthropomorphic talking feather duster, you!
Our Dream Date: Adrienne is a very continental woman. She once came over to say “hello” to me in a UMass dining hall. In my memory she was wearing a red dress... I'll have to verify, but she turned some heads. For that reason, I think it only fitting that I take her to a martini and piano bar for drinking and dancing.
Then we could go to my place and open a bottle of French wine and delicately spread brie over a sliced baguette.
When I was a high school student, I acted in the Young Company division of Hampshire Shakespeare Company. The Young Company acts as an ensemble in one of the mainstage productions that summer, understudies the main roles, and then puts on their own production of that play.
In both of the mainstage productions, there was a very beautiful woman named Sandra. She had blonde hair and a petite body, matched with a slightly breathy, relaxed voice, that she could use with such energy.
We were in two plays together. The first was As You Like It, when I was 16, she played Rosalind, the lead. It was a sixties-style production, so the director made me wear a long tangled wig and a red dashiki suit. My brother told me he thought I was a girl in pajamas when he saw the show. This was definitely not how I wanted Sandra to see me.
She did see me in the Young Company production, where I played Orlando, Rosalind's lover. They gave me a much better costume for that part; I looked like Kelso from That 70s Show. We had a little discussion on my costume after the show, which we agreed was much more flattering than what they had me wear in her production. Her opinion was very important to me.
I continued to fawn over her in secret the next year as we did The Winter's Tale together. When I was finally old enough to join the mainstage, I hoped I could be cast in the same play as her (HSC does two shows a summer). I wasn't cast in either play and I kind of forgot about her for a while.
Years later I was asked to participate in a staged reading of 'Til All the Boys Come Home. It was a play written by the director's mother about her Scottish grandmother's efforts to pull her son out of the military during World War I. I played the son, who had to kiss a certain actress onstage: Sandra.
During rehearsal, the director said, “You don't have to kiss each other yet if you don't want to.”
Sandra, being the professional, said, “Oh, we don't mind.”
And before I knew it, her lips were on mine and I was frozen. It was definitely not my first kiss onstage, but it was one of my only fulfilled childhood wishes onstage.
That night I went home and confessed to my girlfriend that I had kissed another woman that night but that it was for acting. She was cool with it and even laughed at me for being nervous about what she thought. It was only acting, right?
Aside from not being appropriately inebriated for the scene (my character was supposed to be drunk), the conditions were perfect for realistically recreating that kiss. My character, like me, was a bit nervous at the sight of her, and she played an older woman. In fact, our age difference in real life was close to the age difference of our characters. I think it was seven years. I really hope it came off well, or at least better than my Scottish accent.
So I'm wondering: Is it helpful or detrimental to have a crush on the person you're supposed to kiss onstage? Maybe a crush between equals, but I was already used to viewing her as that unattainable older woman. It's good that I only had one kissing scene with her, because we only had a couple of weeks to prepare this piece, which did not give me enough time to get over my schoolboy crush on her.
Hey, folks! I have a Valentine's season recommendation for you: Wainy Days, the lightly fictionalized account of one comedian's search for true love in New York City. Let me warn you, though: it is most certainly not safe for work.
“All roads lead to... the best things in life are... all's well, that ends with me!” - Gaston in the stage adaptation of Disney's Beauty and the Beast
A little about Nichole: Nichole was the lead in a production of Disney's Beauty and the Beast, in which I played Gaston, her would-be-lover. She is a brilliant actress with a gorgeous singing voice and it has been a pleasure sharing the stage with her. Let's see if I can't rekindle our failed romance.
Commence Wooing
Baby, I've said it all before, but I'll say it again:
You're the most beautiful girl in town, baby! And that makes you the best! And don't I deserve the best?
Our Dream Date: I would send Nichole a lovely invitation made on construction paper detailing my plans to go on “a lovely platonic evening” with her, in which we go to a dance studio and learn how to tango, followed by coffee “between good friends.”
In the middle of our dance lesson, a brick will be thrown through the glass with a note attached that says, “Nichole, we got your cat. If you ever want to see her again, send $250,000!” I will then swear to her that I will be able to rescue her cat, just so long as she agrees to elope with me that night.
There's only one thing that could go wrong: I don't know if she has a pet cat.
I was reflecting on how it's far more romantic, to me at least, to fall in love poor than to fall in love rich. The title character of Disney's Aladdin is far more charming than Princess Jasmine's other suitors. Then it hit me. I haven't seen a Disney movie where both lovers were poor.
In fact, every movie ends with the happy couple living happily ever after in a big castle with more wealth than a Bank of America CEO would know what to do with. Why? Because that's just what love does. It elevates you, not just spiritually, but economically.
It's a bit weird. I don't know whether Disney is trying to use the castle and riches as some sort of metaphor, but they're implying that your life is somewhat less rich without love.
I think the best example is Beauty and the Beast, because of its protagonist, Belle. She is one of the more interesting Disney princesses because she wants more than just love. The first song, in fact, is about how she wants to do something radical and leave her quaint provincial life behind. In a reprise that follows Gaston's (the villain) marriage proposal, Belle makes it clear that she wants besides marriage:
“I want much more than this provincial life.
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
to have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned.”
She ultimately finds an understanding lover in the Beast who is attentive to her needs. We can only hope that they had a wonderful honeymoon and continued to have adventures, but we don't get to see that part. All we know at the end is that she's living in a big mansion instead of that boring old village for the lower middle class.
But based on the first song, it's not too surprising that what she really needs is a man to love her. In the middle of it, she escapes her banal existence by reading her favorite chapter, where the heroine meets “Prince Charming.” This lets the audience know what she needs even more than what she says she wants.
Here's a YouTube clip of the song:
Social climbing through love seems to be the ultimate goal for most heroines, or heroes in the case of Aladdin. There are two possible messages I can derive from these movies. One is that love between two people is a magical thing, just so long as one of the parties is wealthy. The other possible message is that love will provide. Belle has all these crazy wild dreams of traveling the world, and marrying the Beast might be her only chance to make them come true. Once you find true love, everything else falls into place.
I have a lot of bitter single friends who like to complain about how Disney movies gave them false ideas about love. I'll say! It would be miraculous for any of us to find our ideal lover, but these animated films go on to tantalize us further with the promise of wonderful castles.
Don't get me wrong, I still think that for the right couples love can be a positive thing... but sometimes I get the feeling that these films were meant to indoctrinate us into thinking marriage was the end all and be all of our existence, which ultimately leads to reproduction, which increases the reserve force of labor, so that workers will work for low wages because the job-to-person ratio is ridiculously low. We were led to believe we were going to be princes and princesses, but really, we're all replaceable cogs in the corporate machines!
I do enjoy a little animated escapism every so often.
Thank you, Nicole Mayne, Bekki Sailer, and Camee Manderfield, for being the best triage of smokin' babes a hot stud like me could ask for.
One more questions for my loyal readers:
I found this ad on Craig's List:
Semi-cougar ready to roar - 31 (Western Mass)
I am seeking a sweet younger man for companionship, and maybe more. I would like to meet someone between 20 - 28 years of age, hot, slim, Caucasian and ready to please me sexually when he's asked. I want to be your sugar mama and spoil you rotten. If this sounds like something you're interested in, please contact me. If anything, we can be friends with benefits. Please send a pic, and I'll send mine.
Looking for really handsome guys....
Sounds promising. Do I respond or not?
If blogging be the food of love, read on!
A little about Diana: Diana and I took Latin and Ancient Greek together. She went to Colorado to pursue a Master's in Religious Studies.
Commence Wooing
But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? I think it's the East, but you're definitely not the sun, and I mean that in the nicest way. Diana, moon goddess, and goddess of the hunt, I'll be your fiery A-Paul-lo! Those two gods hooked up, right? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I know they were siblings, but that never stopped Jupiter... right?
So, um... do you wanna make out already?
Our Dream Date: Diana's a bit freaky, so I would take her to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Afterwards, we would create a bonfire in the field and play drums under the stars. Then I would drive her home and book it out of town before her boyfriend, Hugo, catches up with me. He's my height but with much broader shoulders.
After avoiding the two of them for a couple of months, I could make it up to Hugo by helping him impress Diana with a production of William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, cast entirely with sock puppets. Hey, we already gave Aristophanes's Lysistrata the same treatment!
I had a friend who once said, “Ah, Facebook, adding a whole new level of idiocy to relationships.” Here are some examples I have come up with to support my friend's statement.
I've always dated jealous girls, which is terrible because I'm a shameless flirt. One was always suspicious that I had some deep unfulfilled desire for one of my friends. I'll admit now that there probably was some mutual desire at one point in our friendship, but it was never acted upon because I wasn't single at the time (as a side note... geez, when was I ever single besides these past couple of months?). I would always deny any feelings for her, past or present.
Was it a lie? Probably. But I just didn't trust her to not freak out; she was quite the worry wart. One day my girlfriend said to me, “I've been looking at your past Facebook posts, and you definitely said things that suggested you were attracted to her.” Oops. I suppose I was supposed to back track and delete my history from a couple of years ago.
If I am to work romantically with anyone in the age of Facebook, she will have to be a shameless flirt like me. Consider this exchange of comments on one of my profile pics which featured a model that looked just like me:
Cute Girl: a-MA-zing!
Me: You like?
That night I received an angry instant message from my girlfriend (the same one described above) at the time.
Crabbygrl13: Why were you flirting with that girl?
DisgracefulFlirt: Was I?
Crabbygrl13: Yes, you said “you like?”
DisgracefulFlirt: That's not flirting, is it?
Crabbygrl13: Um, let me think... YES!
So I had to delete that comment and write “Thanks,” instead.
Another area in which Facebook and Love have teamed up against me is the obligatory “cute couple” pic. And by “cute couple,” I mean stunning babe standing next to lanky, pale Frankenstein. She asks me if I would please use it as my profile pic, and not being too vain, I agree. Of course, there are other pics of the two of us, in which I look like a young Hugh Grant, but her hair isn't right in those pics, so she's forbidden me from even posting them on Facebook.
Two weeks will go by and someone will take a very flattering pic of me, and I really want to make it my profile pic. Now to be fair, my girlfriend never told me how long she wanted me to keep the pic up... but she currently has another pic of the two of us up as her profile pic. When she finally changes it to a pic of just herself, I breathe a sigh of relief and change mine to the flattering one of me.
But perhaps the worst thing is that now you have to break up with your girlfriend twice. Once in real life, and then again on Facebook. That really sucks. In an ideal world, a heart-broken man shouldn't have to do anything but brood in his room and yell at the radio every five minutes for playing another love song. But now these days, he has to pick himself up off of his tear-soaked pillow and cancel the Facebook relationship before that ice queen does.
If he doesn't, his profile will say that he's in a relationship, but it won't list with whom. Everyone will realize that he was the one who was dumped and is too busy brooding on his tear-soaked pillow to update his profile.
But at least you're less likely to get asked "How's so-and-so doing?" weeks after.
On a side note, one of my exes actually got mad when I was so quick to cancel our relationship on Facebook after she left me.
Facebook. Love. Two awkward tastes that taste weird together.
P.S. Hugo, we should really put on that sock puppet production of Romeo and Juliet.
P.P.S. Sock puppet isn't a euphemism for anything.
The loving continues...
A Little About Allison: Allison and I grew up in the same town and even went to college in the same town. Though a lovable goof, she is tres intelligent and is now in Arizona where she intends to receive her DMD, Doctor of Dental Medicine. Coincidentally enough, she too is a Dutch American like me.
Commence Wooing
Hey, baby, I think there's something in my teeth, do you think you could get it out for me? No, you won't be needing any of those silver tools, hot shot! ;-)
Notice anything different about me? That's right, I brushed my teeth just for you, this morning! Now I don't want you to think I'm some sort of dandy or anything, but I also flossed! Wait, what? You're supposed to do that every day? Oh...
Dream Date: First, we would make pannenkoeken, which are kind of like crêpes, except thicker and with things embedded in them. Then I would take her to a night club where we would have fun dancing. And if it were my dream date and not our dream date, the night would conclude with a make out session in a dentist chair, but I understand you don't want to mix work with pleasure. So, I think we'll end the night by making exquisite sundaes involving hot fudge and bits of marzipan.
Okay, so the last entry gave advice to single people, so I feel like I owe a little morsel to my lovers out there who already have other lovers.
When I was in tenth grade, a girl asked me what romantic thing she could do to impress her boyfriend. Here's what I came up with:
Everybody expects chocolate on Valentine's Day, maybe even more so than flowers. Luckily, they're conveniently packaged in hearts to let our significant others know “I love you AND I remembered that you love chocolate!” But lovers of the world, you can do more.
Not too much more; you don't want to exhaust yourself silly before your big date. But here's a simple way to take a very standard gift and make it your own.
Go ahead and buy one of those heart-shaped packages and make a list of reasons you love your significant other. There should be as many reasons as there are chocolates in that package. Write those reasons on little pieces of paper and place one under each chocolate. That way, each time your lover picks up a piece of chocolate to eat, they get to read a new reason why you love them!
And the best part is that if you can't come up with a reason for each chocolate, you know it's time to move on and find someone new!
Well, it's February, meaning that it's time to review January and decide what was my most ninja moment. By the way, I have told myself for years that I would one day have "rabid rabbit" be the very first thing I said when I woke up on the first of the month. It's supposed to give you a month long of prosperity or something, but it's almost impossible to achieve because usually the first thing to escape your lips is "@#$%ing alarm clock!" It's too bad that I managed to do this on the shortest month of the year.
Anyway, here are the contenders for P. Divvy's Ninja Moment of January 2010:
Ski fall
After a successful ski down the slope without falling down, I asked my bro, Thijs, how to take my skis off so I could go in the lodge for some hot chocolate. In the process, I fell in the snow.
Unfortunately, as unslick as that was, falling down is to be expected at a ski slope, so nothing too majorly ninja about that.
Blundering Heights
While hiking on the Grand Canyon, which had snow, believe it or not! My boot's tread slipped and I fell on my hip. It turns out I lost my crampon about a hundred feet behind my fall. Another hiker was kind enough to bring it to me.
What's so ninja about it? Well, I managed not to fall to my death or in the ever so prevalent mule poo! And that's enough to make me think I have a guardian angel. Or that I'm ninja.
Lost Page
I am writing a book that is heavy with themes of sex and violence. Anyway, I had a little scene written out that I was going to proofread during my break as a substitute teacher at the Amherst Regional Middle School. In the second period, I realized I had misplaced it after quickly scanning it in the first period.
I was mortified.
At the end of the day, though, I found it again between the pages of the teacher's lesson plans. Good thing I didn't turn it in!
A Perfect Follow-Up to an Interview
After a successful interview at the Deerfield Inn for the position of server/bartender, I walked to my car and realized I misplaced my keys. I rushed back into the Inn, and to the staff's befuddlement, I scanned the carpet and coat room without explaining myself. I then walked away from my car and made a call to AAA to help me get my keys out.
I then took a walk through Historic Deerfield trying not to look like an imbecile in front of my prospective employers. I came back in an hour to greet the AAA guy who helped me into the car, hoping the innkeeper wouldn't come out and see what was going on. He did. But it was too late. He had already called me half an hour before to hire me!
Well, obviously the Deerfield Inn move wins. Please stop by to visit me and make sure you tip well!
Link: http://anotherpieceofcake.wordpress.com
As promised, today is the day I begin the series "Fourteen Days of Love with P. Divvy." This is no misnomer. I will be giving out lots of love in the form of entries and for fourteen days straight, too. A new blurb and valentine for each day.
A little about Amanda: Amanda Bruce and I met acting in the UMass Theatre Guild's production of Tom Stoppard's On the Razzle in 2004. Now she holds a Master's degree in Expressive Therapies from Lesley College. She is best known on the internet for her blog Another Piece of Cake, “a website to promote healthy body image and to educate people about eating disorders.”
Commence Wooing
Your name suits you: you are indeed to be loved. Oh you're surprised I know the meaning? I'm a Latin scholar, baby, so I know that Amanda is the feminine nominative singular form of the gerundive “amandus” from the verb “amo, amare, amatus,” meaning to love, meaning your name literally means “to be loved,” and that's just what I intend to do to you.
And Bruce? Well, I don't quite know what Bruce means, but I hear it's Scottish although you've told me before that you're Irish. Maybe you're both? I don't know, but I wouldn't mind kissing your Blarney Stone!
I'll take another piece of you with that cake, you scrumptious thing, you.
Dream Date: I think we'll go to a poetry reading, since we're both writers and can appreciate that sort of thing. Then we'll go to a cafe and discuss the poetry over tea. Once we're warmed up, we'll find an ice skating rink.
A Suggested Tradition
Valentine's Day is a sort of opposite day, where the couples go out and have a good time while the single people stay indoors and keep to themselves. Okay, that's not entirely true; I do realize that some people in relationships know how to have a good time. However, it is true that single people don't really know what to do with themselves on Valentine's Day.
I will admit that I hardly know what to do with myself when I have a girlfriend. To see so many couples dressed up, walking hand in hand, and carrying flowers is like stepping into the Twilight Zone. This was especially weird when I was living in the college dorms and I would see men in full suits carrying dozens of roses. I wanted to grab one of them and say, “Hey, what gives? Who paid for all these roses? We're college students for Pete's sake!” But he had the upper hand on me. On Valentine's Day, a man's worth can be measured by how many flowers he's holding.
While the attached man must walk these streets fearlessly to avoid being put in the doghouse, the single man feels he must lock himself indoors. What's he going to do out of his house, anyway? Everything has been taken over by couples. Don't believe me? Walk into any restaurant, and every single table will have an even number of people: usually two. There will be some tables with four maybe, but those are people on double dates.
As stated in an earlier entry, I'm all for a new tradition that includes single people. Let Valentine's Day be the one day of the year a single person can ask any of his or her friends on a date! And it could be platonic, or things could develop after a bottle of wine and dinner, with the following condition: if either of the parties want to go back to being friends the next day, they can do so!
One of my best Valentines ever was a girl named Libby. She was a grade below me and we were both single on Valentine's Day of 2003. I asked her if she would be my platonic Valentine and she said yes. So, I think I'm all cool by sending her a one dollar red carnation with a sonnet about her. She comes in the next day and she's gotten me chocolates and a burned cd of the Broadway recording of Rocky Horror Picture Show! I was a bit embarrassed, and touched, that she put so much more effort into it than I did.
I knew that I would have to put in a little more effort for my next platonic Valentine. Unfortunately, that was the last Valentine's Day I was single. Yes, and I mean to say unfortunately. The girlfriends I've had since then have all been good (except maybe for the one who cheated on me), but the platonic Valentine is such a wonderful tradition! I hope to have at least four more in my life. So, if you're the love of my life, please meet me after February 14, 2014!
I think I shall actually dress up and take my platonic Valentine for an actual date. Dinner, a movie, what have you. Of course, it'll have to be a cheap dinner and I'm not going to foot the entire bill. We'll be going Dutch. Actually, she'll be going Dutch, because as a citizen of Holland, I'm already there!
Link: http://thijs-blog.com/
As many of you know, one of my brother's hobbies is brewing beer. He invited me over one day in December to help him, and I decided to film the process. Below are the results:
Part I:
Part II:
Part III:
If you want to find out more about my brother's brewing practices, please visit his website.
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